This Day Last Year...

This day last year I was very broken.  

My insides were slowly filling with blood. 

The pregnancy was over.  

I was nine weeks pregnant when the pain got to be too much and I finally went to the ER.  I felt bloated and light-headed.  I didn't want my favorite dinner "cream of zucchini soup) that Ben had made for me.  I left the table and went upstairs to lie down, hoping it would pass.

We put Felix to bed.  Ben went to bed.  I went downstairs to watch TV and ate a Twix.  Things didn't get better.  I tried calming down by running water over my wrists.  It always worked before when I felt dizzy or lightheaded.

It wasn't until I was on the phone with the nurse, tried to stand up and fell to the floor that I decided it was time to head to the ER.  I woke Ben up and he called his mom to come watch Felix.  In the time since all this happened I often think about Felix and how I didn't say good-bye to him.  What if I had died?  How could I not say good-bye?

I'm sure the order of events or what happened compared to what I remember may not match up.  Ben remembers more clearly what happened.  I just remember pieces, weird ones at that.  The pale color of my skin.  The cold of the blood.  The rolling through dark hallways under the street.

From the time we arrived at the hospital to the time of surgery I call "Let's Figure Out What's Wrong with Christi" time.  We went through everything.  Blood work, fecal samples, various possibilities, ultrasound orders.  

I had two blood transfusions and felt better.  I remember joking with the black nurse administering them that she was the one giving me my color back.  She loved that.  But about twenty minutes after the transfusions I was pale, dizzy and in intense pain again.  

In the ultrasound room I remember thinking, "I'm not a doctor, but where are my organs?"  They couldn't be seen through all the blood.  

The pregnancy had burst my right fallopian tube.  

We waited for surgeons, nurses, anesthesiologists and techs to assemble.  It felt like forever.  Right before they put me under I pulled the mask off and said, "Someone needs to tell me I'm going to be okay, even if they have to lie."  They did, and out I went.

The next day my surgeon, who I am indebted to for always, came to see me.  I'm sorry, came to lecture me.  And rightfully so.  She said that when they cut me open they were bailing blood clots the size of grapefruits out of my abdomen as fast as they could.  That the human body has about five liters of blood on average and I had three of it in my abdomen.  She said if I had waited an hour to come in I'd be dead.  She said that I need to learn to pay attention to my body.  Impressive pain tolerance or not.

The next few days were dark, painful, terrifying and blurry.  The next few months weren't much different.  I recovered in the maternity ward because they didn't have any rooms elsewhere.  The nurses kept telling me my baby (which they thought was in the NICU) would be fine.  I was given "New Mommy" cookies.  It was a bit of a cruel joke.  

My body had betrayed me.  My mind was certain my demise was inevitable.  I had visions of life around me but without me.  I was numb.  I felt like I had carried death inside me.  I felt nothing.  It was...bad.  I didn't believe I'd ever come out of it.

But I did.  I slowly began to feel.  Brain shrinking appointments helped.  Family helped.  Distractions, projects and goals helped.  Ben, my rock and comfort, guided me out of the darkness.  But ultimately it was my deciding I wanted to live which changed everything.  This experience wouldn't end me.  Change me, yes.  Affect me and my beliefs, choices and outlook, yes.  But not end me.  It hadn't made me strong.  I was already strong.  I just had to feel it.  And the only way I could find that feeling was time.  God damn, slow creeping, tediously excruciating time.

It's amazing what a year can do.  This day this year I have a tiny, week old human sleeping on my chest.  Puppies at my feet.  A two-year old snoozing upstairs.  The love of my life at my fingertips.  I am happy.  There is life in my life.  Fully, chaotically, lovingly.

I'll always remember this day last year but I'm no longer broken.

Felix's Onesie Quilt

So many people have told me how awesome it is going to be with another little boy.  "You already have all the clothes!"  Yeah.  No.  That's not (entirely) how we roll in our house.  Sure, with a new little boy on the way I felt it was time to organize.  Time to move all the clothes Felix outgrew to the new gremlin's room.

Except for those outfits Ben and I fell in love in Felix's first year.  Those are special.  Those evoke memories.  I got it in my head to create a quilt of all the onesies and jammies that mattered most to us.  Thanks a lot, Pinterest.

I laid out all the clothes to see what I had.  Monkeys.  I had a lot of monkeys.

Then I cut them to the size I wanted.  Math is hard and I don't like this part of crafts.

My first corner!  Look, it matches!

Totes an Ikea sewing machine.  Love it.  Sturdy little guy for $70.

Finished quilt top.  I'll be honest, production pretty much came to a standstill at this point.  I can see why people just do the top and send the rest out to be finished by someone else.

Luckily for me I have an Aunt Pat who came all the way from Alabama to teach me how to tie carrot tops and make a binding.  (Ok, she may have visited family and viewed the country on her journey, but pretty sure the whole trip was just for my quilt.)

Complete with binding.  God, I was SO proud of my (not perfect) functional corners.

I had an absolute blast.  I hated and loved all of it.  Quilting is hard, peeps.  This is why the people who quilt are patient, older, steady-handed women.  Not me.  This was my first attempt into quilting.  I wanted it to be something important so I would try hard to make it perfect.  Well, I did try hard but it's not perfect.  It's perfectly wonderful and Felix adores it.  But there are lots of flaws.

I still have the baby quilt my grandma made me.  It is falling apart because I loved it so much as a kid.  I still remember the patches and the edges and how they would feel as I fell asleep.  I hope this quilt is the same kind of thing for Felix.

I love looking at the patches and remembering how tiny he was when he wore the clothes.

How the patch with the stain on it was from the Puyallap Fair when he crapped through his diaper and I threw the onesie in the trash.  And how Ben was so sad because he loved that onesie.  And I went back and dug it out of the trash to take it home.  And how, no matter how much we washed and bleached it, the stain was set.

Or his little striped onesie that made him look like a little french sailor.

Or his polka dot one that became capris and 3/4 length sleeves because I just wouldn't stop putting him in it.
His homemade Captain America onesie.

The owl from Maggie.

His cow on the butt.

Clown jumper.

Just all the snuggles that happened in his first year and how much I adored them all.

Sigh.

36 Weeks Update

34 Weeks Update.

  

How far along: 36 Weeks

Gender: BOY! 

Weight gain: 2 lbs.  1 lb if I've pooped recently.

Maternity clothes: Maternity clothes, burlap sack, whatever.  I do know our over-sized bath towels no longer wrap round me and I no longer fit into normal human-sized bathroom stalls.

Stretch marks: So bright that I can practically hear them arriving.

Belly button in or out: Out!  

Best moment this week:  Going to see "Once" with Ben at the Paramount, then to Lola for lamb ravioli.  Seeing a picture from my maternity photo shoot and saying "That's adorable!  Who is that?"

Worst moment this week: Having to deal with idiots and not being able to use my slingshot OR nerf gun as problem resolution.

Miss anything: Wine.  And every once in a while I'll go to flop down on the bed or couch on my stomach with my legs curled up under me.  Then I think twice, just in time.

Movement: Less large movements and more rolling.  He's getting cramped.

Cravings: Chocolate ice cream.  Like the ones from lunchroom in Jr. High in those cups.

Queasy or sick: Doing good!

Mood: Yesterday I was livid for no reason.  If there was something available that equaled less than no reason I'd have that.  

Looking forward to: Finishing Felix's quilt.  My baby shower!  Meeting this little guy.  Counting the days!

Felix's 2nd Birthday Party!

We celebrated Felix's second birthday with an awesome Buzz Lightyear themed party.  

It was complete with cupcakes,

costumes,

chalkboards,

and cheerful grins.  

There were a few tears.  He did NOT want to get in the car.

 Getting fantastic presents made up for it.  

He thought birthday breakfast pie was an excellent idea.

  

Some moments of intense concentration.  

We understood that staying hydrated was of the utmost importance.

 Another year older!

34 Weeks Update

34 Weeks Update.

  

How far along: 34 Weeks

Gender: BOY! - Like, double-confirmed recently.

Weight gain: "Negative one and a half pounds" /high-five from OB

Maternity clothes: I got a new black dress that I'm pretty much going to live in until baby shows up.

Stretch marks: Oh, lord, yes.  ugh.

Belly button in or out: Out!  I asked if it could unravel and all my guts could spill out.  Apparently that's not a thing.

Best moment this week: Picking Ben up at the airport.  Seeing how damned excited Felix was to see him.  Seeing how much the dogs missed him and how much they were like, "Oh YES, now we can sleep." about it all.

Worst moment this week: I wasn't able to attend a good friend's wedding this last weekend.  I knew I would be disappointed and I was just as, if not more so, disappointed than anticipated. 

Miss anything: Wine.  Getting up off the floor, couch, car easily.  Cuddling Felix close.  Sleeping on my stomach.

Movement: All over.  His little foot or hand keeps appearing on the right side like he thinks it's the exit.

Cravings: The tartest lemon-y lemon bar ever.  Nachos.

Queasy or sick: Doing good!

Mood: Is tired a mood?  I feel tired, nervous, excited, irritated, impatient, shaky, sarcastic, happy, hungry, restless, determined, creative, desperate to finish my to do list, blissful and itchy.

Looking forward to: My baby showers!!!  Deleting my to do list because it's totes done.  Wrapping up crochet projects I've put off for months.  Eating Dairy Queen cake when I get home.

32 Weeks Update

32 Weeks Update.

  

How far along: 32 Weeks (ok, this was last week, but whatever)

Gender: BOY!

Weight gain: 11 lbs

Maternity clothes: I have 2 pairs of jeans that fit.  2 skirts. 2 leggings and 3 shirts.  Options are getting limited and laundry has increased.  

Stretch marks: about 3.  But I think if they are just new additions to old ones that they shouldn't count.

Belly button in or out: Out and running into people, doors, corners, etc.

Best moment this week: Mother's Day weekend.  Such a whirlwind of fun, meals, family, giggling babies, beautiful flowers and naps.  That, or cleaning the shower with vinegar, dish soap and baking soda.  SO AWESOME.

Worst moment this week: Sharp pain on my right side that freaked me out.  Reminding me that I can't go as fast or lift as much or clean as long as I think I can. 

Miss anything: Reisling.  Eating whatever I want without a second thought.

Movement: Getting more roll-y instead of punch-y now that he's getting to be a fatty.

Cravings: Really spicy nachos.  Lemon bars.  Ice-cold anything.  S'mores.

Queasy or sick: Doing good!

Mood: This pregnancy continues to surprise me.  Ask Ben and he'll tell you (I think) that he prefers this one to when I was growing Felix.  With Felix it was "Hey, I was thinking OH MY GOD I HATE THIS DRAWER."  Like, there was no warning that Hulk Christi was coming.  It was smash or be smashed.  With this little guy, it comes on slowly and hangs out a good long while.  So, if I wake up in bitch mode/crying face/project mode, I'm there for like a day.  

Looking forward to: My Aunt and Uncle are coming for a visit!  Going to the zoo!  Finishing up big projects!  Maternity photo shoot!

To My Birthday Boy,

To My Birthday Boy,

Oh sweet boy.  What a wonderful, hilarious, joyful, exceedingly blissful year it’s been.  What do you think of your life so far?  It’s hard to believe that, two years ago today, I was just going in for one of your last checkups only to find out that you’d be joining us in the world a few short whirlwind hours later.  

And what a whirlwind it's been.  Watching you grow and change has quickly become one of my favorite things.  I thought I'd miss the tiny changes since I see you every day.  But it's amazing how I see the tiniest things that are taking you from tiny human to fully-grown little boy.  

I can't get over how fast you grow.  How much you understand and remember, how verbal and expressive and genuine you are in all your emotions.  Be it elation or intense frustration - you feel it and show it fully.  I hope that never goes away.  So many grown ups couch their emotions and stop feeling moments to their fullest because of this learned habit.  For this reason, and so many others, I wish I could stick you in a time-stopping, protective bubble and never let any dark or sad parts of life touch you.  I dread having to explain anything to you other than how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly or how an echo works.  I hope you always believe in magic as inately as you do now.  I feel so privileged  to witness your wonder, excitement and complete acceptance of the mysteries that surround you.

I am proud of you every day.  From the tiniest things to the world at large - when you run up to me, say, "Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom." and then DO.  To your tender heart, telling me "It be okay, mama." when I have a tear.  To seeing how much you like things to be in order - Ketchup on the chicken, mustard on the corn.  Watching you figure things out for yourself is such great fun.  

As if you weren't already the greatest kid ever, soon you will be a big brother.  Another feather in your cap of awesome.  Seeing how you are with all the babies and other kids in your life gives me great hope and solid certainty that you will be a rockstar when your brother arrives.  You are so kind and gentle and giving, something I don't see in lots of kids, let alone humans in general.  I love how much you want to help in everything that I do.  I am glad that you live in a house of "sure, baby, come on" attitude.  Allowing you to help and do as much yourself as possible is going to be a fantastic skill when you're an adult.  

I love puddle stomping with you, yelling across the cul-de-sac, singing Frozen at the top of our lungs, having picnics, experiencing snow, going to the zoo, visiting friends and family, going in your brother's room, feeding your animals, cooking noodles with you, flying like superheroes, laughing until our bodies hurt, cuddling and watching TV, playing grill, reading books, singing our nighttime songs, watching you touch the ceiling, seeing your face light up when your dad puts you on his shoulders, laughing at the funny things you say, hugging puppies, looking for big school buses, getting close (but not too close) to animals, explaining things to you so you understand as best your tiny human brain can, easing your fears, midnight rocking chair cuddles, picking you up from the floor when you roll out of bed, watching how much you can really eat, shaking my head in amazement when you choose blue cheese and apples for dinner, 

 I think you’re a great, cool kid and the best son a mom could ask for.  Thank you for being such a wonderful, inspiring, lovable, photogenic, constantly happy part of my life.  This past year is filed in with your first year under "best of my life".  

All my love,
Your Mama