One Year

It has been one year since I had surgery.  It's kind of amazing what a year can change.  A year can show you the best and worst parts of yourself and people around you.  It can show you that those parts aren't things to be "fixed", they're just pieces of a whole.  The angry, crazy, ungrateful parts are just as crucial to who you are as the good words we all want to be.

I've learned (over and over) that it's okay to be angry.  Anger is an incredible motivator.  It gets shit done.  It gets you off your ass and head first into projects, rants, exercise, or whatever needs doing.  I'd much rather be angry than afraid.  I'll take the rage over the tears any day.

Many visits to the shrink have helped me learn it's okay to be crazy.  Really. Granted, there are different levels of crazy but most of the everyday levels are surprisingly normal, common even.  

Like the Cheshire Cat says, "We're all mad here."  I'm not alone in my neurosis, I'm not special in my fear.  Everyone is afraid of something(s).  It's just harder to pinpoint how to battle it when you're afraid of the unknown.  People who are afraid of heights can (safely) jump from them.  People afraid of spiders can hold (see: kill) them.  Being afraid of the unknown or of what could happen... I suppose all you can do is keep on keeping on.

It's how you deal with the crazy that matters.  For me, having a plan of attack when the fleeting crazy comes on is key.  Having a list of things that make me happy, and then doing them even if I don't want to is part of my attack plan.  Using the plan to battle or,  more often than not, wait out the crazy is how I best deal.  All things I didn't know a year ago.

A year, especially a year like this, can help you realize that, no matter what, there is always something to be grateful for.  Yes, cancer, surgery, recovery, fear, pain, depression.  These are all very real and very unavoidable things.  But noting that there is sun instead of rain, or the grocery store has the best flavor of corn nuts, while insignificant in the grand scheme of things, reminds me that there is always SOMETHING to be grateful for.

Life is scary.  It's going to throw things at you that suck beyond belief.  And it's not going to stop.  It's a battle some, if not most, days.  If you're very, very  lucky, you have the tools to fight the hard days.  You have the army of friends, family, experts and super cute boots to fight with you.  

And, if you're me,  you have an adorable dog to lay next to you, looking proper and British.

And this amazing husband, Ben 

(who, ahem, by the way can finish the scramble at The Kettle in one sitting) 

to hold your hand and make you laugh and give you worlds of happiness even in the hardest of times.

It's been a hell of a year.  And tonite I get to celebrate at my favorite place with my favorite man.  Arby's and Ben.  How much more of a celebration could it be!?

Scar - One Year Later